Woman eats lunch then carries own daughter

BREAKING NEWS......

The wife of a mediocre football player currently signed to Stoke, ate her lunch. Then she carried her daughter out of the restaurant. Whilst wearing...............JEANS.

Firstly it would be kind to point out that Abbey Clancy is roughly the same weight as her daughter and carrying her looked like a struggle.

Secondly the Daily Mail seems to think that it is news that she wore "tight denims, which included racy zip detailing on the side".

It is also worth noticing that this news article is higher up their website than an article on the kidnap of 200, yes 200, school girls in Nigeria.

Absolutely ridiculous journalism DM.

THIS IS NOT NEWS.

Girl who gets knockers out concerned about drunk driver

BREAKING NEWS.....

Casey Batchelor (yes you may have to google her. She gets her knockers out for Nuts and stuff) is "concerned" about Lee Ryan from Blue after his recent driving ban.

She has reportedly "been in touch with him through friends". What the deuce does that even mean?!

Also Hello Magazine have come up with this riddle for you to solve:

"Danielle Armstrong's pal may think Duncan James' band mate is a "silly boy", but she believes that "doesn't make him a bad person""

What????

This is the lowest of the low. Not only are the people not famous (either now or ever) but this isn't even a story. She hasn't even spoke to him.

THIS IS NOT NEWS.

90's TV star wears make up

BREAKING NEWS.....

Somebody, who was in US show "Saved by the Bell" has attended a premier. And she wore make up. And it looked bad.

Lark Voorhies (who??) who played Lisa Turtle has been seen in public for the first time in 2 years. There is a clue DM. If she hasn't been seen in 2 years, she definitely isn't current or relevant.

Also her last role was Lisa Turtle. In the 90's. That is literally 20 years ago now. Time to move on.

Note: Her make up does look terrible. It's just not relevant.

THIS IS NOT NEWS.

Knob does yoga

BREAKING NEWS.....

Now I did have to google who this woman was......so before I start this post I know it is not news. But the spouse of Alec Baldwin is an absolute Class A Knob who seems to think it is acceptable to do yoga everywhere.

She is probably friends with Gwyneth Paltrow and they sit together and come up with ways how to ram there clean living nonsense down everybody's throats.

Also her name is Hilaria. How hilariously stupid is that?

Here is some pictures of her being a knob.

Girl with big butt catches car keys

BREAKING NEWS.......

Hold on to your seats ladies and gentleman, for the Daily Mail has exclusively revealed that somebody "dangerously" threw a set of car keys to somebody else. And they caught them.

WHAT THE DEUCE??

Yes that is right folks, the famous for nothing reality TV show Kim Kardashian is "more than just a pretty face" after her husband-to-be Kanye West throws her some car keys. And she catches them.

He then hid behind the door, refusing to come out.

What are you on about DM?! Surely this happens nearly everyday at some point in other peoples homes?

Thank god she caught them though. God forbid if she had dropped them on the floor, I wouldn't be able to sleep at night.

THIS IS NOT NEWS.

Someone went to the beach and wears next to nothing

BREAKING NEWS.....

Just what everybody needs, a new nobody pretending to be an old nobody. There is, according to the DM, somebody who looks like Kim Kardashian on a beach. And they used this as an excuse to take photographs of her "frolicking in the waves". Bleeeurrgh.

It is bad enough the Kim Kardashian gets the coverage she does. But now it is just people who look vaguely like her.

And I am always dubious about people who list their occupation as "entrepreneur, model, professional host, swimsuit designer, actress, fashion blogger and anti-bullying activist".
Yeah right. That isn't a job. That essentially means you are unemployed but good looking enough to get by.

Please go out and get some actual news to report on DM.

THIS IS NOT NEWS.

Youtube

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Stuff what my Nan gave me

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A nobody wears a dress

BREAKING NEWS......

Somebody, who nobody is immediately familiar with wore a dress in LA.

Yes that's right, Kimberley Garner who was on Made in Chelsea for 38 seconds a year ago, has worn a dress to Jaguars party in LA. I would bet you 50quid she wasn't even invited. But that doesn't stop DM writing about it with cringey headlines such as "We're purring with delight!" Urrrghhh.

Also the article even has to mention that she won't be familiar to American audiences....... Errrr or British audiences?? 

THIS IS NOT NEWS.

Former minor celebrity wears denim

BREAKING NEWS.......

Somebody who was slightly famous for 2 minutes after appearing on a reality TV show in 2001 has worn a denim all in one. In London. On a date.

Yes that's right folks, Myleene Klass, who is famous for...............errmmmmmm not sure to be honest? Was she a singer? Errrmmmmm did she once wear a bikini or something?

Well she has worn clothing out in London. And is has made news because its denim. Shock horror. And it's an "all in one". Like what an infant wears.

In case that wasn't enough information to set you on the edge of your seat, "her hair was blow dried and worn down" and "there was drawstring detail on the waist".

THIS IS NOT NEWS. AND ALSO 2001 CALLED, IT WANTS ITS REALITY CONTESTANT BACK. AND ITS DENIM ALL IN ONE.

Trumpet playing soap star walks in wind

BREAKING NEWS....

A former trumpet playing ex-soap star is walking around with her daughter. Like, oh my god. I am so glad I now know that.

And she regrets the decision to leave Eastenders.

Errrrmm that is because she has not had any work since. Apart from playing out her chaotic love life for all to see. And now she is going back to play Sonia as a lesbian. The same reason she quit in the first place.

Also nothing says I'm skint then a "star" as the DM calls her, carrying a pass to the Holiday Inn.

And hilariously DM use phrases like "looking fresh faced and a little wind swept" aka not got any slap on her face and "Fighting the strong winds of the morning, the actress was constantly moving her hair out of her face". Wooahh ground breaking investigation skills there DM.

THIS IS NOT NEWS.

"White collar worker???''

BREAKING NEWS......

Somebody wears a collar to work.

Yes, the DM did just write and release an article giving details on Katherine Jenkins wearing a "sensible ensemble" to work. And then they tried to play on the colour of the collar by comparing her to a class of the working population.

That doesn't even make sense!

And this is all news because usually Katherine has her knockers out, and today she doesn't.

Jesus Christ, THIS IS NOT NEWS.

Girl with massive knockers takes photo

BREAKING NEWS......

A girl who is only famous for marrying an older, has been actor and who channels the "au natural" look has taken a photo it has been shockingly revealed by Closer Magazine.

In the horrendous photo, Courtney Stodden looks like she has shoved a small boulder into her tiny bikini, rather than her actual boob. Her long blonde hair only adds to the aura which says "I have no talent", "I'm desperate for attention" and "I'm willing to do anything for fame."

Well she got her wish. She is set to star in 50 Cent's music video. A dream come true for any aspiring career woman.

THIS IS NOT NEWS.

Sex Tape Star's Mum wears socks

Kim Kardashians Mum, the attention grabbing Kris Jenner has worn socks it has been exclusively revealed today by the Daily Mail.

Posting a picture on "social media"wearing some grotesque socks, pioneered by her son Rob Kardashian, the mother of 100 knows no shame when it comes to shameless product plugging. She also used the socks to reveal she suffers from low self esteem.

Not.

She used them to show you that she is hot. And a mama.

The article also reveals that Kris Jenner wore "racy booties" while running errands. What the deuce are "racy booties" when they are at home?

After covering the in depth topic of Kris Jenner, the Daily Mail then ran out of content and had to revert to their back up, Kim Kardashian. Cue more drivel about her up coming nuptials which has been regurgitated 951 times.

Get some new content DM, there is more going on in the world apart from Kris Jenners' "racy booties" and socks.

 Note the racy booties on picture.

Someone wears shorts in Brentwood

BREAKING NEWS......

Sam Faiers, a member of the highly educated and elite cast of TOWIE has stepped out in the glamourous location of Brentwood.

Completing what looked like chores, she was wearing shorts. And a top. And shoes.

The daily mail also managed to mention the important facts that it is now May and it was sunny.

How did we live without this information DM? Thank you for your amazing investigative journalism skills and excellent content and photography.